Sunday, November 28, 2010

Happy Little Farm Happy sedikit pertanian

A very happy little farm with horses, ponys, tractors, and ducks
By Farrell Hamann (farrellhamann at twitter and youtube)  Also a sculptor,  painter (visual artist)

This is a happy little pony, it lives on the Farmdale Farm.
There are a bunch of cool old tractors on the farm.  Grandpa and Grandma just love to have them around.  These tractors worked very hard for the farm.  Below are some of the old tractors:
The pony, Fluff, is very happy because today a bunch of kids will come out from the city to visit the farm.  She likes kids. These are kids that live at a special home because their parents beat the crap out of them and they had to be taken away.  

Grandma and Grandpa always welcome the kids with open arms.  Grandpa puts them to work in the barn shoveling crap all day until their tired little arms can do no more.  Grandpa is smart, get em tired enough and he won't have to feed them very much.  Free labor!! 

Grandma likes a clean home and the city kids tend to track in manure and straw from the barn.  She doesn't like that so she lines them up and sprays them off with a fire hose.  The fire hose does knock them about a bit but they don't seem to complain.  (They had better not complain, Grandma is quite touchy)  The city kids must stay outside until they are reasonably dry.  If it is biting cold, too bad for them.  Grandma hates dampness in her home.

Most often, Grandma has the girls do all the canning.  If a little boy ticks off Grandpa, sometimes he sends the kid inside to help with canning where Grandma mocks the child without mercy.  "Ha ha, you're canning just like a girl"  Grandma would say.  Grandma would take no guff from a city kid.  "Speed it up, you little ghetto monkeys" she would say "Don't have all day!!"

The plan was that the kids would come out to Farmdale for three days at a time.  Grandma and Grandpa figured they would need a couple days to break the will of the kids so that they would not squeal on them.  Couldn't have the kids telling the authorities.  The kids generally knew how to keep their tiny mouths shut on account of them having been beaten black and blue since they were tiny little babies.  Being slapped or thrown up against a wall was nothing to those kids. 

 Evil the Cat resting after clawing up a little girl from an orphanage 
If  kids were not "pulling their weight" as Grandma would say, or pretending to be overcome by heat and steam in the canning room (which was tiny, unventilated and had nineteen gas burners), Grandma would sneak up to the kid and throw Evil the Cat onto their backs.  That would give them a painful start.  When she sent the kid back to the city, she'd tell the social workers that the kids were stealing raspberries and got all scratched up.  Grandma likes Evil, that is one hard working cat!

Tunnel of fear
If a child was rebellious, Grandma would make them crawl through the "Tunnel of Fear"  Grandpa liked watching this and would come all the way in from the barn just to see Evil rip the hell out of a kid.  He would laugh and laugh.

If Grandpa was tired on a particular day and didn't feel energetic enough to work the kid's little butts off, he would simply pick out the bully of the group and put the bully in charge.  Every group seemed to have a bully.  "I can relate to you, kid" Grandpa would say.  Grandpa knew how to put the fear into a kid and the bully, boy or girl, always took to the job like a duck takes to water. 

 Grandpa having a little fun with the kids
"Come here, kid, tell me if this hurts"

Sometimes, a little girl or boy working in the kitchen would try to grab something and eat it.  This would make Granny shriek with rage (which Grandpa told the kids could actually make you drop dead on the spot if she wanted it to...)  If the kid stole much more than a rotten beet top, Grandma would send them out in the yard to move really heavy chunks of concrete around.  They would have to move the pile from one side of the yard to the other and pile them up neatly.  It was cute to Granny how an itty bitty little six year old could move all the big chunks of concrete about on an empty stomach!

Granny's concrete pile (neatly stacked up by two five year old girls on a 100 degree day out on the farm)

Once in a while, Grandpa and Grandma would need a break from running the farm and they would hop in Grandma's fancy imported car and go to town and have a burger.  With all the money they made working the little buggers nearly to death, they could afford a really nice car.  Grandma would tell the kids that if they misbehaved, she would push them out the car window at one hundred and thirty miles an hour.  The pavement would grind them down leaving them looking like cranberry sauce.  That would make em think.

Grandma's cool foreign car

If Grandma and Grandpa really needed to take some time off and if they suspected the anointed bully had even a drop of kindness in his or her heart and couldn't be trusted, they would get Mailwoman Betty to come in and oversee the farm.  Betty was a former school bus driver and had it in for kids of all ages and sizes.  Let's just say that Betty liked the work.... heh heh!
Mailwoman Betty's mail truck.  (don't make this woman angry!!)
There are six or seven kids boxed up in the back of this mail truck, word has it, carefully packed in dry ice.  (She is famous for her dry ice, frozen baby chick demo... the kids get the point right away, even the littlest ones)

When it is finally time for the children to go back "home" to the home, as it were (haha) their last chore is to feed Evil the cat.  They feed Evil her favorite canned cat food which Grandma proudly makes in her own little steamy kitchen.   She calls it Kitty Gormet (Grandma can't spell).  Grandma tells the kids that it is made from real, human, kidneys and livers.  They she works em over with her special invention.  The Spiral Kidabopper Hypnotic Wheel.  That works good!

Then, when all is said and done (and the kids have finished loading product into the trucks for market, Granny and Grandpa put the tired but happy children on their cheery little bus for the ride home.  Too bad the bus barely has brakes and the driver is an escapee from a prison for the criminally insane.  Without seat belts, that driver can really toss those kids around in there.  Haha.

The End

You can get my new novel here and elsewhere

Gay and woman-friendly (same link as above)

Youtube channel: farrellhamann
Castles, marble toys, fine art, cats, towers, paintings, sculpture, giant spheres

Beehive Oven (Bee Hive) by Farrell Hamann
Church of the Blue Moon/Moon Beams on your Naked Booty
The above is the story of The Exulted One (formerly Old Butthairs)

The old gray chair

Note that the Bitey Cats and the elusive Montecito Cheese Rat in this picture. Candles, Bitey Cats, and Cupcakes.  If you think you may encounter a Montecito Cheese Rat (formerly called the Pacific Coast Cheese Rat) it is always good to have some Pinconning cheese handy (from Michigan)  Cheese rats will only eat the best, being the pampered pet of the super wealthy of Montecito and Santa Barbara.

Below is the story of the mysterious Bo Dogly (former Captain of the Polar Cyst, a ship of no known flag)  You can see and hear Bo singing blues and pounding on his huge, homemade drum ball on my youtube channel: farrellhamann  The video is titled: Fly on the Wall.

Woo, had a ham sandwich today made with Hormel sliced ham, they do not give you much to eat in their tiny packs.  The ham was so thin it looked like some kind of skin graft.  Thanks, Scrooge!!

My twitter Avatar. I know, Zombie
On Twitter and Youtube as: farrellhamann
فا.You can follow me on Facebook, most of FB friends are professional comics
On youtube, I have my cool internet series
Hope Farmdale is not too dark and creepy for you.

Niagara Falls (American side) when army Corp. of Engineers turned off the water for clean up. (with temp. dam) Cool pics.

Half mini horse, half pony. Frisky Kirche des Blue Moon /
Boohoohoo (not crying, all good names were taken) 
竹  Some nice looking Bamboo, old tires, firewood, beat up BBQ

Evil Grandma and Grandpa's first victim.  This was a real child now look at her!!  Poor thing!

Grandma's old tuba. Grandma liked to sneak up on the little ones and blow it in their ears.

Celtic Cross 

My youtube channel: farrellhamann
follow on twitter at: @farrellhamann

Farmdale Farm is what you can expect if the GOP (Republican Party) gets it's way.  It would be their version of social work.  The Tea Party is just as bad.  No oversight, no regulations, just greed. Limbaughzbub is their evil God.

California poppy found along the American River Parkway, Sacramento, California. One of the best bicycle trails in the United States. People occasionally spot mountain lions and coyotes along the bike way.
Trunk and bark of cork oak tree found along the American River Parkway in Sacto, CA

Champion black pug dog and woman in straw hat. Country Club Plaza, Sacramento, California. Outside La Bou.
Mia the black pug dog. A very sweet rescue dog, was best in show before we got her. 

Make millions on the latest thing, twigs, let me show you how!  Riches beyond your wildest dreams, Cool cars, hot babes, Cigarette boats, whatever you want! All yours. Twigs, free to the taking!

Emerging artist/writer Farrell Hamann (larva)

 Latex rubber mold for casting spiral marble toy

Phone: 916-641-7696

Knight of the Imperial Order of the Opossum (IOOTO)